NOTE TO SELF
Morgan Freeman is Not God
And if that fact makes you cry, you’ve missed your medication
I should have realized far earlier in the day that I’d missed my medication, but I didn’t. I didn’t realize it when I needed a nap at 3 p.m., but wrote 44 headlines at the speed of sound twenty minutes later. I didn’t realize it when a co-worker called at just about 5 to ask for something, and I said no. No. Just no.
I never say no.
I didn’t realize it when I was in my pajamas thirty seconds after I hung up on, I mean with, my co-worker, or when I sipped my glass of wine and it didn’t have its usual, “Fuck work, it’s Friday,” effect.
I didn’t even realize it until, several hours and several more glasses of wine later, while watching Bruce Almighty with my older son, I started to sob because,
Morgan Freeman is not God.
My life has been upside down since April. My husband is at our home in Florida. I am in Virginia. It’s not because my marriage is in trouble. It’s because my kid is in trouble. He’s under house arrest and I’m the warden. The fear, the distance, the loneliness, have I mentioned the fear?, is enough to make me lose my mind.
Or at least forget to take my antidepressant.
I sat there last night, crying because Morgan Freeman is not God, and I wanted him to be. With his soft voice and kind eyes, I wanted him to be God and to tell me everything is going to be ok. If I’m completely honest, even now, I’m crying.
It was a rough night.
The movie ended, I went into the bathroom, and there it was, on the sink. My forgotten bottle of Effexor. The vial of 150mg capsules that I take two of every day.
But not yesterday.
And not last night.
Suddenly I was all cried out. I was calm. And I knew without a doubt that if I picked up that bottle to take two, I’d take the entire thing. My brain was telling me it was the smart thing to do, that it would relieve my fear. That everything would finally be over.
This is called withdrawal. And what it was suggesting sounded damn good.
So good and so easy, I thought, “I like this. I’m just going to sleep on it.”
And that’s what I did, thank God.
And maybe Morgan Freeman.